Facebook rehab

It’s been 13 days since my last login. Actually, it’s been 13 days, 17 hours, and 58 minutes. Not that I’m counting. Really, I’m not, I just happen to be good at math and I appreciate precision.

Figure out what I’m talking about yet? Yep, friends, you guessed it, I’m off the Book–Facebook, that is.

After a pretty rough December, depression-wise, I made the decision to ditch Facebook for 30 days starting January 1, 2014. For many people, Facebook serves as an excellent tool for reconnecting with old friends and classmates, finding long, seemingly lost relatives, and keeping in touch with people whom they just don’t have time to see on a regular basis. (For other people it’s a place to annoy the shit out of everyone with their game requests–No! I don’t want to play your goddamn Zombie Farm Mafia Wordscramble game!)

But for me, Facebook offered little positive influence. Here’s what Facebook is to me, in list form, because I like lists:

-A constant reminder of how exceptional everyone else’s lives are. How productive and crafty these people are. How good they look in bathing suits. How wonderfully kind their significant others are. In contrast, I am basically a piece of dried up turd.

-A database where all of my exes are easily searchable and creepable (Thank you, Facebook, for that new word!). Obviously it’s depressing to see them doing well, but it’s even worse when they appear to be doing mediocre, because I revel in it! Queue me feeling like an awful person. Right. Now.

-A glorious time-suck. Not since the ancient game of Poke It To See If It Moves did such an incredible time-suck exist. Why is my room filthy? Facebook. Why do I owe the library $30? Okay, not Facebook exactly, because I accrued the fees before Facebook existed, but let’s be honest, who even goes to the library now that we have Facebook to so efficiently suck our time into a black hole of laziness?

-An opportunity to really drill into my psyche how horribly disgusting I must be to look at. Eww, my arm looks so fat there. Ugh, my skin is so awful. Then comes the post-browse guilt when I berate myself for being such a horrible feminist. Oh, the layers! It’s a triple-decker shame cake with extra judge-y frosting.

So how does it feel to have been off Facebook for nearly two weeks? It feels like I lost a finger, but like a really deformed one that kind if creeped me out to begin with. Like, I’m still not sure how I feel about it. I mean, fingers are good, but if it’s a gross, creepy one then maybe I can learn to live happily without it?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s too early to tell. I don’t seem to be exponentially happier or more productive, but I think it’s a start. And even if I makes me moderately happier and more productive then I’d say it’s probably worth it.

7 thoughts on “Facebook rehab

  1. Holy crap, you made me laugh out loud when you got to the deformed finger bit. This was a seriously enjoyable read. I miss you. Come to sunshiney-snow-hell okay?

    1. The deformed finger part just flowed out if me so organically! It makes me think I’m a sick and twisted person. But then you laughed, so you are, too! I may be making another trip out your way(ish) in March so hopefully we can hook up! Send hot pics?

  2. I am so proud of you darling… a bold step which will yield bold results. it may take five years, but in the meantime, you are not sporting a deformed finger…

    Re: The art of Library and it’s resurrection –I’ve just gone back to the library too. It’s time. When you say to your kid, who really needs the Library anymore because there is always Facebook (kidding, I really said internet), you know it’s time.

  3. I agree wholeheartedly with this post and I quite enjoyed it. I know you’re not fishing for complements, but when I read this I thought you should know that you are one of those people I see on Facebook and think “wow, she is gorgeous and amazing and I want to be like her”. I’m sorry if you barely remember me from tree planting so long ago and this comment just came across really creepy.

    1. How could I forget replantapalooza, Michelle?! Of course I remember you–we were an awesome team. I’m so happy you liked the post. Just goes to show how things aren’t always how they appear on Facebook, eh? But thank you, nonetheless; I think the same when I see your pictures: married, world traveller … you look really happy. Thanks for reading, Michelle–it was so nice to hear from you 🙂

  4. Strange that you should mention the library. Just saw an Ad in our local rag that Trevor Linden (ex Canuck) has today opened a new fitness centre in the old Maple Ridge Public Library. Not sure what kind of message this portrays, but it seemed interesting at the time! Maybe they have a physio who can fix up deformed fingers?

    Oh God……..I just love the word “exponentially”. It flows off the tongue so beautifully. What the hell does it mean anyway?? Who cares. I will go to sleep repeating to myself “exponentially, exponentially, exponentially……………”!!

    Love you my favourite granddaughter!! xoxo

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